BREAKING: You Got Assange'd

Julian Assange of the parajournalistic news source Wikileaks has released classified military documents detailing the lengths to which the Obama Administration has lied to the country about the extent of the zombie attacks.

Details as they arise (from the dead)...

BREAKING: EVERYTHING IS GOING TO HELL

I broke my leg skiing at Davos and this is what you guys end up doing? Seriously? Senator Scott Brown is shilling his centerfold and people are shooting Biden and setting snakes onto planes?

Wow. Congress has hit an all time low of depravity.

Keep it up, it's sexy.

<3 AH

SASC: Deadlocked!

Though they passed amendments to the SHEEN Act, the Senate Armed Services Committee is now deadlocked over approval of the Act as amended. The Democrats are reportedly split over an accepted amendment to the bill which would allow continued drilling in the Arctic National Wildlife Refuge (ANWR), and negotiations are underway between both parties.

"I must express my extreme disappointment over the clause to drill in ANWR," Sen. Harry Reid (D-NV) said in an interview with the Huffington Post. "To be honest, ANWR will not produce enough oil to affect supply or to affect global prices. It is a drop in the bucket towards bringing us closer to energy independence, yet it comes at the cost of some of America's largest wildlife refuges and at the cost not only to the well being of Alaska's wild animals, but to the wellbeing of native Alaskans. I am strongly opposed to any bill that will open Yosemite [National Park] for drilling, and in that same sentiment I am strongly opposed to drilling in ANWR.

"99% of the SHEEN Act is still comprised of very productive legislation that will move America forward and promote energy independence. I will be working with colleagues to ensure there is something productive that we can gain from the situation."

HELP Committee approves LEAP Act!

With calm restored, the HELP committee worked tirelessly to ensure a better future for our children by approving the Learning Education Advancement for Pupils (LEAP) Act, sending it to the Senate floor for consideration tomorrow evening.

"Long Live the LEAP ACT," tweeted Bernie Sanders (I-VT) "Now, both young children and college-age children will have opportunities."

A competitive grant program would allow 10 states to launch the program. Additional states would be phased in after three years. In order to participate, states would have to establish high standards for early child care and education. Participating states also would have to ensure that qualified teachers participate in the program.

The United States has fallen behind many other nations in critical measurements of educational achievement. The U.S. ranks 33^rd out of 36 nations in reading literacy, 27^th in mathematical literacy, 22^nd in science literacy, and 18^th overall in secondary education, according to a report by the Organisation for Economic Co-operation and Development.

From the 1960s to 2006, the United States fell from first to 18^th out of 24 industrialized nations in high school graduation rates. Closing this achievement gap could have increased our 2008 gross domestic product by $2.3 trillion.

Meanwhile, since 2000, the cost of child care has increased twice as fast at the median income of families with children.

In an increasing number of families, both parents work and often struggle to find quality, affordable care and education for their children, with a consequence that many fall up to two years behind their peers even before they enter first grade.

“In a society with our resources, it is unconscionable to that we do not properly invest in our children from the very first stages of their lives,” Sanders said.

Senator Kay Hagan (D-NC): "Never Again"

The following press release came from Senator Kay Hagan's office:

Dear Fellow North Carolinians,

Tonight we witnessed an unprecedented zombie outbreak. The outbreak hit home, as zombies took over a news station in Greenville. Americans showed great resolve in standing strong against the zombies and uniting around our common humanity. I urge any North Carolinian who has questions or concerns about the outbreak to contact my office. North Carolinians are always my first priority, and I will work for you to make sure that an outbreak like this never happens again. Let us hope that this tragedy will lead to a spirit of bipartisanship.

Warm Regards,

Senator Kay Hagan

EXCLUSIVE INTERVIEW: "The Immortals"

The highlight of the Government's response to the zombie outbreak was the summoning of the mysterious elite task force, calling themselves only "The Immortals." I sat down with these nameless mercenaries to discuss zombie defense procedures and national security.

EXCLUSIVE: Interview with President Obama (VIDEO)

Anti-Zombie guns on Senate Floor

Senators were spotted wandering the Senate floor with all sorts of large weaponry and NERF-Model riflery.

Sen. Ben Nelson (D-NE) would neither confirm or deny any shady dealings he may have struck with Ukranian arms dealers, citing his Fifth Amendment Rights against self-incrimination.

BREAKING: PRESIDENT OBAMA: "The Zombie outbreak has been contained"

President Obama has announced that the zombie outbreak has been contained.

"The Zombie Virus was far less widespread than we believed. Everything is ok," the President told this reporter in his secret underground bunker.

The CDC will be sending the zombie vaccine to neighboring nations battling zombie epidemics.

Thank god everything is ok. I kept running out of bodyguards.

MORE VIDEO COVERAGE

Users (directed by God Pitney) have sent in these home videos of the zombie outbreak:

PRESIDENT OBAMA CLOSES BORDERS

In response to the zombie attacks, President Obama has closed all transportation and borders. As Press Secretary Jay Carney stated, "No one in, no one out."

Reports of a special Zombie Task Force known as the Umbrella Corporation is rumored to be spiriting the President to an undisclosed location.

Zombies appearing abroad

California is not the only state to report cases of zombie swine flu.

The Netherlands confirms its first case of zombie swine flu, in a three-year-old boy recently returned from Mexico. After passing away early this morning, he rose from the dead and lunged at his mother.

Ghana has become the latest country to ban pork imports as a precaution against swine flu, though no cases have been found in the West African country

China's health minister says that the country's scientists have developed a "sensitive and fast" test for spotting swine flu in conjunction with US scientists and the WHO. The country has recorded no incidence of the flu yet. There methods, however, have been uneffective in spotting the H1Z1 strain.

At the meeting of health ministers in Luxembourg, a French proposal for a continent-wide travel advisory for Mexico will be discussed.

It is unclear whether the EU executive has the power to impose a travel ban.

Several countries have restricted travel to Mexico and many tour operators have cancelled holidays.

Other members are resisting calls to implement travel bans or close borders, on the grounds - backed by the WHO - that there is little evidence of their efficacy.

The EU ministers will also try to agree on how to refer to the new virus.

The European Commission has been calling it "novel flu", replacing the word "swine" to avoid prompting a fall in demand for pork and bacon.

On Wednesday, Egypt began a mass slaughter of its pigs - even though the WHO says the virus was now being transmitted from human to human.

YOUTUBE: Zombie infection may be more widely spread than predicted

California officials insist that the outbreak has been confined to a small area. But one online video suggests that the incidence is greater and more serious:

BREAKING: ZOMBIE ATTACK ZOMBIE ATTACK

From the Simulation Gods Center for Disease Control:

There has been a small outbreak of “zombism” in the Los Angeles area due to mutation of the H1N1 virus into new strain: H1Z1. Verdugo Hills Hospital in Glendale is under strict quarantine as a result.

The outbreak is similar to a scare originally found in Cambodia back in 2005.

After death, this virus restarts the victim's heart for up to two hours after the initial demise of the person where the individual behaves in extremely violent ways from what is believe to be a combination of brain damage and a chemical released into blood during “resurrection.” Some victims attempt cannibalism.

The World Health Organization (WHO) has raised the alert to phase six, its highest level, and advised governments to activate pandemic contingency plans.

There are many cases elsewhere - including Canada, Latin America, Europe, Israel, and New Zealand.

BBC health correspondent Mark McGrith says the raising of the WHO alert on Wednesday suggests a global epidemic, or pandemic, is imminent.

Will update as we receive more news.

BREAKING: Lieberman Amendment Passes

An amendment on the Military Detainee Procedures Improvement Act sponsored by Senator Joseph Lieberman (I-CT) has been unanimously accepted by the Armed Services Committee.

This amendment strikes a compromise over a proposed sunset clause to this Act. As it currently stands, the bill, sponsored by Sen. John McCain (R-AZ), is a clarification of the procedures used to try detainees suspected of terrorism against the United States, as well as giving the Secretary of Defense the authority to transfer detainees from military tribunals into civilian courts.

With the passage of this amendment, the bill now has a recommended "expiration date" of December 31, 2013.

Saxby Chambliss Hates Our Troops

With reports that the Republicans of the Armed Services Committee are planning to obstruct the work of the Democrats, one voice stands out from their cabal. Senator Saxby Chambliss (R-GA) has made it inexcusably clear that he will not vote for CHARLIE'S Act for Veterans and Families, which would bring much-needed mental health services to our troops returning from abroad.

Frankly, one shouldn't be surprised by Chambliss's obfuscation. Contrary to the pro-American nationalism he professes to hold dear, Chambliss has a storied and documented history of voting against bills that would help our veterans, the least we can do after sending them in harm's way.

Chambliss has voted to undermine veteran's healthcare. In 2008 he voted against increasing veterns' healthcare and voted to stop the new G.I. Bill.

This pales in comparison to the his mud-slinging in the past: in 2002, Chambliss won his seat in Senate from the incumbent Democrat, Max Cleland. A former Veterans Affairs Chief and a Vietnam veteran, Cleland lost three limbs in the Vietnam War. But apparently this wasn't enough for Chambliss, who accused him of being un-patriotic for fighting to protect unions at the Department of Homeland Security. In this ad below, he even compares Cleland to Saddam Hussein and Osama bin Laden:

Senator Chambliss, if you wish to atone for your horrific and unseemly attacks on veterans, you know what you have to do.

Corruption in the HELP Committee: Locked out!--Keith Olbermann

Readers, I have suffered an extreme indignity, as well as uncovered a government willing to cloak themselves in secrecy as they carry out their back-room deals.

When I attempted to enter the HELP Committee chambers, I found them locked. Locked! Were it not for Divine Simulation God intervention, I and fellow Simulation God, Pitney the Crazy-Haired, would have been unable to bring you the coverage that you so deserve to hear.

I urge the HELP Committee to allow sunshine to filter into their smoke-filled chambers, and at least prop your doors open, like with a backpack or a chair or a copy of your Omnibus bill or something. The Senate must be held accountable to the public.

Tonight's preview: Markup Wars

Tonight, expect dramatic showdowns and furious back-room negotiations from your elected officials. Some of it will be fraught with sexual tension masquerading as ideological piety, and some of it will probably be due to drugs. As for me? I might just make myself a Negroni and watch everything go down.

Armed Services: Democrats are expected to combine Charlie's Act and the ADONIS Act, creating an Armed Services omnibus bill for the floor. Expect contention from the committee's Republicans. I'm looking at you, Chambliss and Graham.

HELP: The Committee continues to work on the CAP and GOWN Act and CARA, which would increase funding for autism programs. Remember, every amendment that the Republicans strike from these bills, is a symbolic strike against our children. That's right, the Republicans are striking your children.

As always, I'll be bringing live coverage and commentary of tonight's events.

EDITORIAL: #Rockstar Veterans deserve to #WIN!--Charlie Sheen

When the Democratic caucus (heh. It sounds like "cock." hehehe.) asked me to testify on Charlie's Act, I knew. I knew that finally, my method acting had a purpose. I mean, my dad was a fake soldier in Apocalypse Now (which some droopy-eyed armless Republican Senator had never even heard of. Who the hell is he, Dr. Clownshoes?)

As you can tell in this photo on the right, I too followed in the steps of my father. I served this country in a film called Platoon. Perhaps you've heard of it. You know what sort of horror I experienced in that film? Enough to give me f#$%ing PTSD. You loser people in your loser lives don't know s#$t. Oh god. I can still remember Oliver Stone telling me to shoot at a one-legged kid. "TELL HIM TO DANCE, CHARLIE!" he screamed at me. "TELL HIM TO F^*#ING DANCE!!!!!!!"

It was in that moment that I changed. I changed so profoundly, such that my normal loser human blood was changed into the blood of a thousand tigers. I f&$(ing charged into that movie set battlefield, full of loser people wearing diapers, and started banging seven gram rocks in that very moment and Oliver Stone flipped the F*** out and went "UNPLUG THIS BASTARD!!!!!"

Apparently this kind of behavior hurts my family.

That's why I'm proud to put my name behind Charlie's Act. I mean, I pretended to be a soldier, and my method acting revealed to me how our troops have to be hard, like frickin' bayonets. And I have to admire these rockstars. They bring it, every day, without an exit strategy from the fools and trolls who try to destroy America. And they come back, half the men that they were before they went over to Derka-Derkastan to make the losers go byebye.

Because contrary to how I acted when I was a famous actor with the pressures of fame and success and film PTSD on me, I don't have magic and poetry at my fingertips. That was a hallucination, because of all the illegal drugs I didn't take. (It's not illegal if you never admit it!) But you know who does take illegal drugs? Veterans. At a much higher rate than the normal population. They gotta cope, you know, with the post-traumatic stress disorder that they experience all the time. And PTSD doesn't stop. It has one speed--Go.

The warlocks I've worked with in the Democratic Party are completely devoted to ensuring that these rockstar veterans are given acces to the best of what our nation has to offer--mental services, trauma centers, even the right to have their remains interred in national military cemeteries. I mean, mental health, like my father's movie Apocalypse Now, is complicated. You need some complicated s#$t to deal with that.

I urge you all to support the Democratic warlocks who are deploying their ordinances on the Republicans who are blocking this bill, smoking cigars and banging seven gram rocks in their mahogany-lined cloakroom. Only fools and trolls stand in the way of rockstar veterans. But even though these rockstar veterans deliver the goods every day, they're not bi-winning like me.

Remember, warlocks: the Democrats are bipartisan bi-winners. The Republicans are like TMZ up the butt.

Arianna Huffington heavily ghost-wrote this article.

MARKUP MARKUP MARKUP

The HELP Committee has moved into markup and as expected, both parties are starting to wrestle over Robert's Rules. The Republicans are attempting to block all the Democrats' bills from consideration for markup, claiming that they submitted their bills after the agreed-upon deadline.

The Armed Services Committee has called it a night, and are heading en masse to DuPont Circle for happy hour.

Michael O'Hanlon: Defense is the "single largest discretionary chunk" of government spending

Using impromptu visual aids, not as beautiful as Sharon Burke's PowerPoint but close enough, Michael O'Hanlon of the Brookings Institute deftly demonstrated that while the cuts to the F-35 program would have little impact on the overall economy, it would transfer benefits to the rest of the military by eliminating the Marine variant of the aging military aircraft. The ADONIS Act, which would cut this program, is currently being held up by the committee's Republicans, who are blocking the bill from markup tomorrow due to a scheduling technicality.

The cuts to the F-35 program, O'Hanlon argued in his pie chart, would outweigh the value of all annual earmarks. A vast majority of government spending goes towards entitlements such as Medicare and Social Security, while the oft-vilified "pork-barrel" earmarks make up "a fraction of a percentage" of the federal budget, according to O'Hanlon.

Photo credit: Wade Vaughan, a fresh-faced young man with great promise

Post-Hearing Quarterbacking: Victor Gonzales, Jack Reed, and Jeff Bingaman

I caught up with the HELP Committee and their star witness in this exclusive interview for the Huffington Post.

Post-Hearing Quarterbacking: Sharon Burke (VIDEO)

I caught up with Sharon Burke after her stunning testimony in the Armed Services Committee.

EDITORIAL: I wish there were two of me--Arianna Huffington

At times like this I wish there were two of me. Of course, such a feat would be only to provide the best and most thorough of coverage to my dear readers, as I feel an enormous responsibility to the American people that they should know exactly what's going on. (It is nigh impossible to run back and forth between the HELP and Armed Services hearings!)

At the same time, wouldn't having two of me be wonderful? Someone to know my deepest thoughts, someone who could wear my suits, letting me know which one makes me look nothing less than the stately Greek divorcee that I am. I mean, who wouldn't benefit from another person such as I, existing in this world?

Of course, since the Republicans refuse to consider the most basic of things like supporting stem cell research, they will have to know a world in which there is only one me. Pity, since everything I do is for the American people.

Burke: Beautiful Powerpoint

Reports are emerging from the Armed Services Committee that Sharon Burke of the Department of Defense has just delivered the most stunning PowerPoint known to man. Unfortunately this reporter was not able to see it, but sources are saying that it was "like watching a rainbow give birth to a unicorn."

Correction: Ms. Burke is from the Department of Defense, not the Brookings Institute.

Victor Gonzales's touching testimony

Throughout the HELP Committee's hearing, high school student Victor Gonzales painted a troubling picture of the current state of American high schools: teachers who hardly cared for his welfare, low-income students unable to afford college and insufficient supervision leading to widespread delinquency and teen pregnancy.

"Not only does [the CAP AND GOWN] act help kids got to college, it will also help them get jobs...it will give twice back to the government. This act is a good investment."

Mr. Gonzales also emphasized the immediacy of this issue, stating that "we have to act now."

HELP Committee Updates

The HELP Committee remains deadlocked over the goals of American education, with the Republicans, led by Rand Paul, attempting to defund the Department of Education, and the Democrats fighting to expand school grant programs. The CAP and GOWN act, authored by Senators Jeff Bingaman (D-NM) and Jack Reed (D-RI), will address the issues of "dropout factories" by providing grants to high schools and early childhood education programs.

According to the Simulation Twitter Feed, Senator Rand Paul (R-KY) questioned Secretary of Education Arne Duncan quite vigorously on cutting the Department's budget, prompting Senator Michael Bennet (D-CO) to tweet, "How rude!"

"My constituents of Vermont and citizens all across the country are very concerned about the national trend in childhood poverty," said Senator Bernie Sanders (D-VT). "The United States has the 4th highest child poverty rate of thirty major countries. Our party will push forward with the LEAP Act to change this national trend through early child care and education and jobs for the future."

"Senate Republicans proposed to defund the Department of Education," said Senator Bernie Sanders (D-VT). "Our party wants to improve our children's future, not eliminate it."

Secretary Duncan: "Mastication is important"

The HELP Committee has been deadlocked over a clause in the CAP and GOWN Act, which would direct more government funding to helping children masticate their food.

"Mastication is a large part of fighting obesity," Duncan declared.

Studies have shown that less consumption of food is aided by long, slow and steady mastication, and Duncan is convinced that teaching our children how to masticate is important to their overall health and development.

Charlie Sheen on what he's accomplished: "Winning"

The Senate Armed Services Committee has just finished their controversial committee hearing in which Charlie Sheen gave testimony for Charlie's Act, which proposes increases in mental health services for veterans.

When asked if he felt his presence accomplished anything, Mr. Sheen demurred that he had to run to presumably a sobriety class. Asked to distill his sentiments into one sentence, he announced: "Winning."

At the end of the evening, we will present a thorough report of the hearing.

Sharon Burke from the Brookings Institute will soon present information on America's energy security in the military.

Armed Service Republicans Refuse To Consider ADONIS Act

The Republican Senators of the Armed Services Committee are refusing to consider the ADONIS Act, which would cut spending on our F-35 program. Claiming that the bill too late for consideration, they are blocking debate on the bill.

Will update on this story as it develops.

BREAKING: Gov. Matt Mead (R-WY) to testify at tonight's HELP Committee hearing

We have just learned that the HELP Republicans will be calling Matt Mead, Republican Governor of Wyoming, will be testifying at tonight's hearings.

The news comes as a surprise to the Democrats, who learned of this witness shortly before the Huffington Post did. "Very un-American," Senator Jack Reed said in a statement to this reporter.

Tonight's Preview, Really: Armed Services and HELP

Didn't you love my last article, with the babies and everything? I made a joke! Wasn't it funny? Jon Stewart, I think it's time that your show gave me a call, ha-ha!

In any case, the Huffington Post is dedicated to serious journalism, and so here's a preview of tonight's hearings:

In the Armed Services Committee, the controversial Charlie Sheen is slated to make an appearance to discuss Charlie's Act, an effort spearheaded by the Democrats to address mental health issues in our military. A representative from the Brookings Institute is also scheduled to appear, expanding on General Casey's prior assessment of our nation's military capacities and future.

Health, Education, Labor and Pensions will have a hard time beating last night's witnesses, such as the ghost of Senator Ted Kennedy (D-MA). Tonight, however, we will be hearing from Victor Gonzales, whose touching testimony can be found at Claremont Media Coverage.

Arianna Huffington: Preview for Tonight

We at the Huffington Post have found exclusive footage of what appears to be a frank, bipartisan conversation between two senators discussing tonight's debates in both the Armed Services and the HELP committees. From what I can tell, it appears to be absolutely fascinating.

Senator Webb: "As a Boy Scout, I can assure Casey that we are not terrorists."

The most memorable part of this evening was the repartee between Casey and Senator Webb. Webb further clarified his statements in an interview:

"I wish in my next interactions with General Casey that he would not misconstrue my meanings, and that as a boy scout I can assure him that we were not terrorists. Were he a man more interested in theory, it would have been a much more interesting conversation."

General Casey could not be reached for comment, though we welcome the ability to get his side of the story.

General Casey, Part 3: Energy Showdown

Senator Jeff Bingaman (D-NM) has been debating General Casey for nearly nine minutes about the role of the US military in reducing energy consumption in the country. As the Senator pointed out, the defense industry generates the most greenhouse gases in the country.

When asked by Sen. Bingaman about net-zero energy consumption, Casey proved adept at responding to the concern of greenhouse gases, pointing out that the issue is about the United States government as a whole. "It affects the world equally, no matter where it's released. The question is about overall practices rather than where the energy comes from."

"Don't you think that possible energy shocks can destabilize our economy and more importantly our national security?" Bingaman countered, framing the issue as a matter of national security.

Casey responded that the "massive energy cocktail" that the military draws its energy from within the nation does not leave the US vulnerable to foreign influence.

General Casey, Part 2--Arianna Huffington

What started out as a broad-reaching hearing over the state of today's military soon focused sharply on the issue of military detainees. Gen. Casey of the Joint Chiefs of Staff defended the current stance on maintaining military tribunals instead of turning these detainees over to civilian judges, as President Obama advocated for in his State of the Union address.

"Many of us in the Armed Services sympathize with the President's goals to close Guantanamo," he stated, but added that "in terms of national security, I don't think that moving people will resolve anything in the short term."

He also addressed the SHEEN Act, which advocates energy efficiency in the military, stressing that he was concerned that "we wouldn't be able to afford it."

Answering a question from Sen. Chambliss (R-GA) about the supply chain which would allow the military to afford these advanced technologies, Casey explained the logistical difficulty of keeping track of technology with multiple functionalities. "Having one more distinction to keep track of," he stated, "really only adds to the operational burdens in an already challenging environment."

Ultimately, the debate over transforming the military into a peacekeeping force for the 21st century hinges on the overall cost of these military reforms.

General Casey, Part 1

Speaking on a broad range of topics from Guantanamo to the creation of a 21st century peacekeeping force, General George Casey, Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff, offered a approach to national security grounded in realism and war hawkishness.

The Democrats engaged him in intense debate, while the Republicans largely sat silent. A notable exchange arose between Casey and Sen. Webb (D-VA), who asked him whether the Boy Scouts of America were likely to be classified as terrorists under Casey's definition.

Meanwhile, the Simulation Gods were caught chortling to themselves over some Youtube videos. That must be one funny cat on a skateboard.

Comprehensive coverage of this hearing will follow after the break.

BREAKING: Robert Gates disappears from Armed Services Hearing--Arianna Huffington

Secretary of Defense Robert Gates has disappeared from the Armed Services Committee hearing.

After mumbling that he "had too many classes" and therefore was not prepared to answer any questions, Gates disappeared altogether. Neither parties could establish contact with him. The committee will soon hear testimony from General George W. Casey.

When asked for comment, Committee Chairman Carl Levin (D-MI) said that "I'm glad McCain and I worked it out, and I'm glad we had a second witness prepared so that this session wasn't wasted.

At the same time, Gates's positions are probably similar to those of the president's, and we'll be consulting the president anyway, considering that he is giving us final approval."

State of the Union--A Response by Arianna Huffington

Once again, the Republicans have yet to offer real, tangible solutions to the problems that Americans face today. While President Obama outlined key legislation aimed at solving a broad spectrum of issues, from the mental health of veterans (Charlie's Act) to targeting the foundations of our children's education by committing more funds to early education and school lunches, the Republicans made a continued strong appeal to american values. However, though I applaud McCain's service to our country, he did not once bring an actual solution, much less demonstrate a deep understanding, of the issues facing our country.

I hope that the GOP can indeed build a tangible solution based on the ideals they espouse.

EDITORIAL! Democrats: A New Sexy Hope--Arianna Huffington

Today I had the rare opportunity to sit down with the entire Democratic Senate caucus. Although I certainly had a hard time remembering the names of everyone, it was wonderful to once again be among old friends.

My dear friend and former co-host Sen. Al Franken and I reconnected, as he awkwardly hugged me and tried to remember how exactly we knew each other. Of course, I reminded him that he was the person who convinced me that the real agenda behind Gingrich's Contract with America was not to effect real change, but would have killed the middle class. Can you believe that I used to write for National Review? I was extremely silly back then!

I truly believe that this democratic caucus will be different from years past. Perhaps it's the sudden glamour and sexiness that the Democratic caucus has suddenly assumed this year. (Wherever did sexy go, in years past?) More than that, however, I believe that this caucus has the cojones to finally effect real change in America. I was having lunch the other day with former Secretary of State Madeline Albright and Chuck from Gossip Girl, and they both agreed with me that in these troubled times, it takes true vision and smart government to begin to make a difference.

I will be bringing complete coverage of the brave efforts of this caucus throughout the week, as well as commentary from extremely notable sources.

The Emergency That Cried Wolf--Keith Olbermann

This morning I was awoken from a peaceful slumber by an overzealous administration, told to evacuate far away due to a looming, all-too tangible threat. "Run for the hills," they told us. "Your lives are at stake! Surrender the right to sleep that you and your ancestors fought so long for and paid so dearly for!"

This sort of preemptive action without any foresight whatsoever eerily echoes the policies of the last administration. Have we not paid the price for our sleepwalking stumble into Iraq without a single No-Doz shot of truth and integrity, guiding our actions as we have relied on it to do for the history of our nation? These actions are premature. Nay, immature. And they are dangerously consequential to the health of our democracy.

I call out, in the most clarion of voices, for Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid to take a stand, to raise a bulwark of Democrats against this atrocity, so clearly perpetrated by the right-wing imperialist warmongers that would have us live in a state of perpetual fear. The injustice of these wakeup calls so clearly parallels the injustices of the Bush Administration's slow, methodological infringement of our civil rights. If we permit ourselves to be arisen unfairly with wakeup calls, it is a slippery yet inevitable slide back into the days of color-coded threat assessments, unconstitutional wire tapping, and human rights violations at Guantanamo. Is that, sir, something you willingly bloody your hands to accomplish? Do you find it just, sir?

Tonight, the 112th Simulated Congress begins with a Democratic majority, and for the first time after years of greed-driven darkness, as black as the precious oil the Right so willingly spills the blood of our soldiers in the covetous quest for wealth, there exists a ray of hope. But hope is not enough if those torchbearers refuse to act. (I learned this phrase from one of my professors at Cornell, which I attended, by the way.) Do something, by God, or be remembered by history as a party who stood by and did nothing.