EDITORIAL: #Rockstar Veterans deserve to #WIN!--Charlie Sheen

When the Democratic caucus (heh. It sounds like "cock." hehehe.) asked me to testify on Charlie's Act, I knew. I knew that finally, my method acting had a purpose. I mean, my dad was a fake soldier in Apocalypse Now (which some droopy-eyed armless Republican Senator had never even heard of. Who the hell is he, Dr. Clownshoes?)

As you can tell in this photo on the right, I too followed in the steps of my father. I served this country in a film called Platoon. Perhaps you've heard of it. You know what sort of horror I experienced in that film? Enough to give me f#$%ing PTSD. You loser people in your loser lives don't know s#$t. Oh god. I can still remember Oliver Stone telling me to shoot at a one-legged kid. "TELL HIM TO DANCE, CHARLIE!" he screamed at me. "TELL HIM TO F^*#ING DANCE!!!!!!!"

It was in that moment that I changed. I changed so profoundly, such that my normal loser human blood was changed into the blood of a thousand tigers. I f&$(ing charged into that movie set battlefield, full of loser people wearing diapers, and started banging seven gram rocks in that very moment and Oliver Stone flipped the F*** out and went "UNPLUG THIS BASTARD!!!!!"

Apparently this kind of behavior hurts my family.

That's why I'm proud to put my name behind Charlie's Act. I mean, I pretended to be a soldier, and my method acting revealed to me how our troops have to be hard, like frickin' bayonets. And I have to admire these rockstars. They bring it, every day, without an exit strategy from the fools and trolls who try to destroy America. And they come back, half the men that they were before they went over to Derka-Derkastan to make the losers go byebye.

Because contrary to how I acted when I was a famous actor with the pressures of fame and success and film PTSD on me, I don't have magic and poetry at my fingertips. That was a hallucination, because of all the illegal drugs I didn't take. (It's not illegal if you never admit it!) But you know who does take illegal drugs? Veterans. At a much higher rate than the normal population. They gotta cope, you know, with the post-traumatic stress disorder that they experience all the time. And PTSD doesn't stop. It has one speed--Go.

The warlocks I've worked with in the Democratic Party are completely devoted to ensuring that these rockstar veterans are given acces to the best of what our nation has to offer--mental services, trauma centers, even the right to have their remains interred in national military cemeteries. I mean, mental health, like my father's movie Apocalypse Now, is complicated. You need some complicated s#$t to deal with that.

I urge you all to support the Democratic warlocks who are deploying their ordinances on the Republicans who are blocking this bill, smoking cigars and banging seven gram rocks in their mahogany-lined cloakroom. Only fools and trolls stand in the way of rockstar veterans. But even though these rockstar veterans deliver the goods every day, they're not bi-winning like me.

Remember, warlocks: the Democrats are bipartisan bi-winners. The Republicans are like TMZ up the butt.

Arianna Huffington heavily ghost-wrote this article.