Thursday, March 31, 2011

BREAKING: You Got Assange'd

Julian Assange of the parajournalistic news source Wikileaks has released classified military documents detailing the lengths to which the Obama Administration has lied to the country about the extent of the zombie attacks.

Details as they arise (from the dead)...


I broke my leg skiing at Davos and this is what you guys end up doing? Seriously? Senator Scott Brown is shilling his centerfold and people are shooting Biden and setting snakes onto planes?

Wow. Congress has hit an all time low of depravity.

Keep it up, it's sexy.

<3 AH

Wednesday, March 30, 2011

SASC: Deadlocked!

Though they passed amendments to the SHEEN Act, the Senate Armed Services Committee is now deadlocked over approval of the Act as amended. The Democrats are reportedly split over an accepted amendment to the bill which would allow continued drilling in the Arctic National Wildlife Refuge (ANWR), and negotiations are underway between both parties.

"I must express my extreme disappointment over the clause to drill in ANWR," Sen. Harry Reid (D-NV) said in an interview with the Huffington Post. "To be honest, ANWR will not produce enough oil to affect supply or to affect global prices. It is a drop in the bucket towards bringing us closer to energy independence, yet it comes at the cost of some of America's largest wildlife refuges and at the cost not only to the well being of Alaska's wild animals, but to the wellbeing of native Alaskans. I am strongly opposed to any bill that will open Yosemite [National Park] for drilling, and in that same sentiment I am strongly opposed to drilling in ANWR.

"99% of the SHEEN Act is still comprised of very productive legislation that will move America forward and promote energy independence. I will be working with colleagues to ensure there is something productive that we can gain from the situation."

HELP Committee approves LEAP Act!

With calm restored, the HELP committee worked tirelessly to ensure a better future for our children by approving the Learning Education Advancement for Pupils (LEAP) Act, sending it to the Senate floor for consideration tomorrow evening.

"Long Live the LEAP ACT," tweeted Bernie Sanders (I-VT) "Now, both young children and college-age children will have opportunities."

A competitive grant program would allow 10 states to launch the program. Additional states would be phased in after three years. In order to participate, states would have to establish high standards for early child care and education. Participating states also would have to ensure that qualified teachers participate in the program.

The United States has fallen behind many other nations in critical measurements of educational achievement. The U.S. ranks 33rd out of 36 nations in reading literacy, 27th in mathematical literacy, 22nd in science literacy, and 18th overall in secondary education, according to a report by the Organisation for Economic Co-operation and Development.

From the 1960s to 2006, the United States fell from first to 18th out of 24 industrialized nations in high school graduation rates. Closing this achievement gap could have increased our 2008 gross domestic product by $2.3 trillion.

Meanwhile, since 2000, the cost of child care has increased twice as fast at the median income of families with children.

In an increasing number of families, both parents work and often struggle to find quality, affordable care and education for their children, with a consequence that many fall up to two years behind their peers even before they enter first grade.

“In a society with our resources, it is unconscionable to that we do not properly invest in our children from the very first stages of their lives,” Sanders said.

Senator Kay Hagan (D-NC): "Never Again"

The following press release came from Senator Kay Hagan's office:

Dear Fellow North Carolinians,
Tonight we witnessed an unprecedented zombie outbreak. The outbreak hit home, as zombies took over a news station in Greenville. Americans showed great resolve in standing strong against the zombies and uniting around our common humanity. I urge any North Carolinian who has questions or concerns about the outbreak to contact my office. North Carolinians are always my first priority, and I will work for you to make sure that an outbreak like this never happens again. Let us hope that this tragedy will lead to a spirit of bipartisanship.
Warm Regards,
Senator Kay Hagan


The highlight of the Government's response to the zombie outbreak was the summoning of the mysterious elite task force, calling themselves only "The Immortals." I sat down with these nameless mercenaries to discuss zombie defense procedures and national security.

EXCLUSIVE: Interview with President Obama (VIDEO)